7 Principles to Improve Your Relationship

Drs. John and Julie Gottman have spent over 50 years of research trying to understand the key to relationship success. Their work has led them to develop seven principles of a healthy relationship.

“These principles encompass all relationships, not just marriage, and they address all stages of a relationship, even at the start,” shares Jackie Van Zile, MA, LPCC-S, LICDC, CEAP, a licensed professional counselor with ProMedica Physicians Behavioral Health - Sylvania. “Even single persons can find some benefit from these principles – sort of exploring what a healthy relationship is before they get into one.”

Read on to explore Van Zile’s take on these seven principles of a healthy relationship and tips on how to execute them.

1. Share love maps.

Create a love map that shows your understanding of your partner – your knowledge of the things that make them happy, the things they like and don’t like, their past and what they want for the future. “It’s important that you each make sure that your love maps of each other are accurate and that they reflect the person that you’re with,” Van Zile shares. “Know the person for who they are versus who you think they are.”

2. Nurture fondness and admiration.

Respect each other as a person and take time to build each other up and show appreciation for one another. “Be friends and each other’s hype person,” Van Zile encourages.

3. Turn toward each other, instead of away.

Be present in your partner’s life by taking the time to listen and show them that what they want or what they’re going through matters to you.

4. Let your partner influence you.

This is not about control. Allow your partner to have an impact on your decisions by valuing their input and considering their feelings. “It’s important to note that disagreements are still allowed,” Van Zile emphasizes. “It’s more about feeling heard as well as allowing the other person to feel heard. You’re still allowed to disagree, but you have to be willing to allow and be okay with your partner's ability to disagree with you as well.”

5. Solve your solvable problems.

When you choose to solve those little, everyday problems, the bigger problems look a lot less big. It can also remove a lot of the stress that comes with a little bit of conflict here and there.

6. Overcome gridlock.

Not every problem is solvable. It’s important to know how to come to a productive resolution about an ongoing problem. Sometimes you have to agree to disagree, Van Zile shares. “The key is identifying what the gridlock is, and getting into the habit of having a healthy, genuine conversation about the problem. Try to make the problem the problem and not each other.”

7. Create shared meaning together.

“You don’t have to have the same goals and dreams, but you can have complementary goals and dreams,” Van Zile shares. It’s all about encouraging your partner to follow their passions and dreams while being right there with them.

These principles are found in the book The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman and Nan Silver.