Hard Topics with Little Kids Require Bite-Sized Conversations

Parents and guardians often have to talk to their children about difficult topics. While this may be expected during the teen years, it may come as a surprise that young children need to talk about difficult topics, too. But how do you talk about hard topics with a toddler or preschooler? The trick is to keep these conversations small, but ongoing.

Snacking on the Apple

“I think a lot of people think that really young children are the least affected by difficult experiences because they won’t remember,” says Adrienne Elhai, PhD, The Cullen Center,. “A lot of parents avoid talking to these really young children. But even if they don’t have a lot of memories, we really do need to talk to them about hard topics.”

Dr. Elhai has a tip for making it easier: Think about how toddlers and preschoolers snack on an apple.

You give them an apple and they take a little bite. Then they put it down and go play. When they get hungry again, they’ll come back and take a small bite or two. Then they leave the apple to go off on another adventure, only to come find the apple when they’re hungry again.

Breaking down conversations into bite-sized “snacks” can help preschoolers and toddlers understand difficult topics at a comfortable pace.

Putting it into Practice

A death in the family is one example of a time when adults will need to put these bite-sized conversations into practice. Dr. Elhai recommends letting the small child lead the conversation, and just telling them a little bit each time you talk.

For instance, if a child asks about Aunt Susie after her death, a parent could say, “Aunt Susie got sick, her body stopped working and she died. Mommy and I are really sad.”

Then, the parent stops to see if the child has any more questions. If not, they wait until the child comes back to continue the conversation.

“Young children have small attention spans, and they are also kind of managing their own emotions,” explains Dr. Elhai. “They can take a little bit and leave when they don’t need anymore. Just trust that they know how much they can handle and wait for them to come back.”

More Tips for Speaking with Young Children

One of the most important things to remember about difficult topics is that it’ll never be a one-and-done conversation. Be prepared to touch on the topic again and again, and know that the interactions may look different over time. Dr. Elhai also encourages adults to practice these conversations, be proactive and create a culture of open conversation.

Practice

“It’s very important if you have a planned difficult conversation that you think through it yourself or you talk through it with your partner or another adult,” says Dr. Elhai. This can be especially helpful if your young child is in the “why” phase and asks a lot of questions. 

Be Proactive

Some children won’t feel comfortable enough to ask a question about a difficult topic. This doesn’t mean that adults should never talk about it. Children may create their own story about what happened, take on the blame or fill in the blanks. Be proactive by letting your child know you’re here to talk and answer their questions.

Create a Culture

As parents, we want to be able to guide our children through everything in life. This is good for a child’s development, too, says Dr. Elhai. Talking with your child creates a strong relationship with them, helps them build resilience, express emotions and talk about how they’re feeling.

Plus, the small talks when they’re young help set the tone for the harder conversations as they get older.  

“Children are often exposed to things earlier than adults think,” Dr. Elhai says. “Show them that we can talk about hard feelings, uncomfortable feelings, and even the seemingly unspeakable feelings.”